Wish you were here

Today is one of those days where I really, really miss you mom. Olivia is having some trouble with reading and math in school. We are having a Student study meeting with all kinds of people (10 in all) including the principal! They want to go over her progress (or lack of) with us. I wish I could talk to you right now and hear that she was going to be fine. It is so difficult to be a mother. I wish I could hear your advice. I know I did't always want to hear it when you were alive. Of course, that was PRE kids for me! Don't we all "know everything" BEFORE we have kids of our own? hmmm.

Chickens

We have 13 new additions to the family. 6 New Hampshire red Hens and 6 Barred Rock hens. And, One New Hampshire red Rooster. They have grown so fast. Hopefully today we can finish their coop. They are too big and stinky to keep inside now. The girls just love them. We lost a member of our family a few weeks ago. Marley dog was hit by a car. Olivia took it better than I expected. I think I have taken it the worst. I didn't realize how much I loved and depended on her 'til she was gone. I depended on her to help me take care of the girls. Now I feel a huge void in the house. We are going to have a meet and greet today with a co-workers dog. They are moving and need to get rid of their family dog. I am hoping she will be a good fit for our little family.

Family

Poor Olivia is a worry wart. She recently asked me "If I swallow a toenail will it make me sick?" I should have known better when I replied "No,but it might scratch your butt on the way out." Well, since then she is obsessing about it. And, It didn't help that Nick had to get in on the fun and tease her about it. Today I could tell she really had to go poop but, wouldn't. She was too afraid that the toenails were going to hurt coming out. I even sat with her while she cried on the toilet with a horrified look on her face. My poor baby...I ruined her. She won't believe me when I tell her I was just kidding and I even apologized. Nick showed her pictures of the GI system from his EMT books. We told her everything and more about toenails and the stomach and poop. But, she is still afraid to go. I feel just awful. I hope she poops tomorrow.
I cannot believe she is going to be 5 years old in April. She is so beautiful and amazing and funny. She makes me laugh so hard. She asks me the most bizarre questions. She gets on my nerves and I love her with all of heart.

Death Midwife

I really don't think about death all of the time. But, I do think about it a lot more than the average person. This is mainly because I deal with it on a daily basis, because, I am a nurse at a facility that specializes in end of life care. I have personally been a part of 30 deaths in the 16 months. Every one of those deaths were different. Some deaths were long and quiet and a few were fast and loud. I had the honor of being a part of a family "green" funeral where we played music and rubbed essential oils on their deceased loved one and helped lower her into a beautiful homemade casket. It was an amazing experience that I will always remember and taught me more than I can even say. It was after this death that I learned of the saying "death midwife". Giving birth is an indescribable and different experience for every woman just like death is for every person. Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a quick death where you go to sleep and never wake up. Most people need help. By "help" I mean spiritual and emotional and medical support. A dying person needs a dedicated team. I really do believe that people only die when it is "their time". I have seen people go weeks with no food and water and still they lay there and, their heart still beats and, they still breath those shallow breaths. I have seen someone who talks and laughs with me at the beginning of my shift and they are gone before I leave work that same day. I have had the honor of holding a few hands while they breathe their last breath and they cross over to the other side. On the edge of life and death...nobody speaks and you sit there in silence waiting, and that person is no more...and, you and I are different.
I know their story and the people in it and, they are gone. Every now and then it strikes me...what I do is deep. There are no words or, I am at a loss to describe the feelings that run through my head all at once and how different and changed I am by every death experience. I have gained so much and I have lost so much at the same time. I go back though because, it is important and people need someone to help them through the dark times and feel reassured and understand and be at peace with the unknown. I am grateful for every story, there are many and, I am am lucky that they have all shared them with me.

Long Time

It has been quite some time since I have been here. Our baby Saige is coming up on 15 months. She is amazing just like Olivia. It will be five years since mom passed this week. So much has happened in five years...Losing mom,building/moving into our first house,having two babies and becoming a nurse! Dad has found a girlfriend that he cares for very much. It has been 6 months. She seems very nice and he appears very happy. I don't talk much about mom to Olivia. She doesn't ask me a lot of questions about her. We are still undecided about adding to our family anymore...Nick would like a little boy but, I tend to think that we would try one more time for a boy and end up with twin girls. Which, would be fine with me! I like having girls. I hope I can raise my girls up to be amazing, courageous women. ~'til next time.....

A great mystery

Well, Tomorrow we will hopefully find out what this little baby is. A boy or a girl? Family and friends seem pretty unsure one way or the other. I guess the majority have said boy while the others are still undecided. I am leaning toward boy but, I am not sure if it because I know Nick wants one so bad.
I am thirty today and at the end of this day i am still alive. I am not sure what I thought would happen but, I have so dreaded this day. I cant help but feel old. I miss the young girl.

ahhhhhh

What my little baby looks like right now.....

I am a mother who does not have my mother. For some reason I cannot wrap my head around this. I am strong yet, I am missing a big piece. It continues to affect me in ways I never expected and I am surprised to still be feeling such a huge loss. How does this define who I am? How different would I be if I had my mother to help me mother these last 2.5 years? Would we all be better off? How has my loss affected Olivis life? Ahhh the questions I drive myself crazy with....