A great mystery

Well, Tomorrow we will hopefully find out what this little baby is. A boy or a girl? Family and friends seem pretty unsure one way or the other. I guess the majority have said boy while the others are still undecided. I am leaning toward boy but, I am not sure if it because I know Nick wants one so bad.
I am thirty today and at the end of this day i am still alive. I am not sure what I thought would happen but, I have so dreaded this day. I cant help but feel old. I miss the young girl.

ahhhhhh

What my little baby looks like right now.....

I am a mother who does not have my mother. For some reason I cannot wrap my head around this. I am strong yet, I am missing a big piece. It continues to affect me in ways I never expected and I am surprised to still be feeling such a huge loss. How does this define who I am? How different would I be if I had my mother to help me mother these last 2.5 years? Would we all be better off? How has my loss affected Olivis life? Ahhh the questions I drive myself crazy with....