Why

I was recently asked if I have had the conversation with myself that every nurse has. The conversation where you ask yourself "why am I doing this?". I have had this converation with myself, on a daily basis infact. I havent even finished school yet!
Then, I realize that I cannot picture doing anything else. Even if I had all the money in the world and didnt have to work for a living, I can picture myself volunteering for hospice and at nursing homes. I love nursing. I love the feeling of making a difference and being a source of comfort and knowledge for someone in need. Because I have been the one in need before.

Olivia

A coversation Olivia had on a toy cell phone she played with while walking around the Christmas Tree Shop.

Olivia: "Hello?"

Olivia: "Whats up?"

Olivia: "ummmmmmmmmmmmm"

ME: "Who are you talking to Olivia?"

Olivia: "santa"

Girl Friends

The women in my life are amazing. When I think about everything I have done in my life I cannot help but think of the women who helped me get there. In each step of my life there was a woman who helped me more than she knows. Some of these women were only in my life for a short time and, others have been with me since the beginning. Some women have been there to drink wine with me and some have just listened to me whine over the phone. I have danced the entire night away with some and talked into the wee hours of the morning with others. Some women read my endless rantings online, and some women I work with day after day. Some of these women for one reason or another drifted away. All of these women feel like family. They give me strength and courage and a shoulder. Advice, when I dont know what else to do. They make me laugh and they make me cry with joy and love. I am excited for Olivia to experience the friendship and love I find in my girl friends, with her own friends.

Almost

I only have 2.5 more classes left and I will be a nurse! I think mom would be proud...At least that is what i like to think! Before she got sick I used to tell her that we should go to nursing school together. She always said that she was too old to go back...
I saw this picture and decided to post it 'cause this is how I am feeling. So excited to be done with school...Jumping for JOY!

Happy

What a perfectly great day. The weather was perfect for sleeping in...Which I did. Nick got up with olivia. We went for breakfast and filled up. Then we went grocery shopping as a family. This doesnt happen very often anymore. On the way home Olivia fell asleep...Nick and I put away the groceries and I took a nap while Olivia was still napping. For supper Nick cooked a lasagna and we invited the Fam. over. It was such a nice, unhurried, do what you want day. I loved it.

Hmmmmm

Olivia sat and, sat and, sat on the potty. I read her book after book....NOTHING. We put her big girl undies on.....
15 minutes go by,
"oh no mama I peed on the floor!" She somehow managed to pee what looked like a gallon of water all over the floor. sigh....

Good Changes

I live "in the moment"

I "Soak it all in"

I want Olivia to be proud of me.

I take nothing for granted.

I push myself further.

Yick

I am feeling so miserable today. I have a fever and a sore throat. Called in sick to work yesterday and left school early today. It feels nice to relax.
Last night, I was sleeping on the couch and heard Olivia start crying. I went and got her. I put her to sleep next to Nick and went back down stairs to the couch. (I dont want her to get sick too) One hour later as I am drifting off to sleep I hear "MAMA WHERE ARE YOU?" "MAMA WHERE DID YOU GO?" A perfect little sentence in her perfect little voice. She makes my heart melt...

Ouch

"I dont't want a funeral anymore."

"WHY?"

"I dont want him to be there. I am a sick woman"

"I dont understand. How can you be this way? You are dying. How can you be this way to me? Why are you kicking us out?"

"I'm not kicking you out just him. I mean it I dont want him here. I dont want to see him."
..........................................................................................................................................................................

"Good why dont you just tell her how I am a terrible daughter"

"I already did"

"I dont believe this!"

I am a sick woman!
I am a sick woman!
I am a sick woman!

30

Thirty is around the corner and it is impacting me far greater than I ever expected. When was it that I became an adult? Someone with reponsibilities and a husband, and a daughter, a dead mother? Someone who lost the ability to jump up and join in with only a moments notice. Someone who knew how to have fun? Listening to songs of my youth and feeling pangs of longing for the carefree woman I was and grieving for her. I miss her. I feel like a completely different person. And, even though I like who I am now, I still long for the old me. The woman who always got carded for everything and who is slowly not getting carded for anything. This woman who I have become who is starting to notice small wrinkles around my eyes and mouth, evidence of the fun I had. And, even though I know good times are still ahead It is hard to let go of that woman. The one who was in her early twenties and how this woman I am now,almost thirty, misses her.

My montage

Olivia Lauren

Tommorow

Tommorow would have been my mom and dad's 30th wedding anniversary. I hate this day now that she is gone. I feel like my dad is finally starting to "heal" and then another significant day comes along.

I did not realize that my mom was pregnant with me when she and dad got married. I never really did the math and thought"hmmmm...my birthday is 6 months after their anniversary!" One day when I was about 12 our neighbor was looking at my parents wedding album and said "Karen were you pregnant?" and that is how I found out. For the first time in my life I realized that even mom wasn't "perfect". I miss her so much it hurts.

Yippee....I think

So, I think we are finally going to take the plunge and get a puppy. A boxer puppy to be exact. I am actually really excited..but, nervous at the same time. Olivia will be so excited. A co-worker of mine will have boxer puppies in a few weeks and we get first pick of the litter.



We will get a female and name her Marlie(a female version of Marley. As in Bob Marley). My only fear is that a puppy will be so much work that I won't be able to keep up. Although this is something we have talked about repeatedly through the years and always knew we wanted. We just never took the plunge! So here we go and this is what she will look like. ..
Mom was so not a dog person! Just another thing I have realized that sets us apart.

Give me the strength

and, the courage and, the patience and, the ENERGY.....to keep up with my life.

Discovery

It was nice...

To come back here and read my first blog. I was unhappy about last Christmas and am happy to report that we are going away this year. We will be at Disney World in Orlando for Christmas this year. No presents and no stress! Yippee!